The Bachelor Party
by Sage of Eyes
Summary: Crackfic. The Hangover, with the cast of Fate/stay night and other works I find.
1. Chapter 1

The Bachelor Party

…

Disclaimer: I do not make money off of this.

…

My head felt like it had been wrapped around gold bar and smashed against a wall of lemons, repeatedly.

"Guys?" I managed to speak, my tongue felt sore for some odd reason. I pushed myself off the marble floor, mindful of its slippery nature. Why was I on the floor again? "Shinji? Issei? Archer?"

I managed to get a leg up, only for the limb to spasm and have me nearly dent the floor.

"Oh Akasha." My older brother's voice warbled through my brain like a giant locomotive. I managed to crawl to a nearby counter and use my arms to pick myself up. "Shirou, please shut the fuck up."

"What the hell happened?" I asked as quietly as I could, I hoped he'd whisper as well.

"Vegas happened." My brother stated lamely, loudly too if the ringing through my head was any indication. He examined the surroundings while taking a sip of water, maybe that would get rid of my sore tongue? "We better get out of here before they check on us." He took a look behind him and gave a whistle. "And maybe nick your credit card too."

Those words bashed the hangover with a taste of its own medicine. I took a good look around and was rewarded with the sight of a completely trashed chicken and a similarly trashed hotel room.

"Why the hell is there a bowling ball in the sink?!" I managed to yell out, my brother winced and was about to say something before his eyes widened and he pointed at my mouth.

"Your tongue is!" He managed before breaking out in laughter.

I didn't waste a moment, I took his glass and stuck out my tongue on the reflection.

Two tongue ends went up and down individually before my eyes.

Before I can completely realize the situation, Shinji ran out of the bathroom holding his crotch.

"There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!" Issei's idiotic future brother in law screeched.

"Oh now that's just crazy." My brother got up from his laughing fit, wiping a tear from his eye, while my brain desperately attempted to reboot. He walked over to the restroom door while Shinji waved frantically at him to stop. "Even Vegas has limi-"

ROAR!

SLAM!

My eyes met my brothers, and I knew what he was thinking.

"Get Issei, now." He hissed, and I nodded, Shinji managing to do the same.

It took about five minutes for us to realize how thoroughly fucked we were.

Then we went to get our shoes…

…

"I think his name is Carlos." Shinji stated brightly, shoe-closet-baby strapped to his chest akin to bomb. It might as well have been if the police found out we kidnapped him. The purple haired man with serious problems played with the baby's arms. "What do you think Archer?"

"I think." I stated bluntly, stopping my brother from even opening his mouth, stabbing my omelet viscously. It tasted far too good to be appropriate for the situation, and was confusing me greatly. "We should just leave."

"You know Rin would kill me if we came back without her brother in law." Archer pointed out.

"Yeah." Shinji nodded with his entire head in a way that was fairly disturbing. "Sis's sis doesn't take failure too easily."

"I know," Archer stated with a blank stare towards the purple haired self-claimed savant "We've been married for about five years now."

"Oh right!" Shinji smiled brightly. "Hey watch this!"

He made the baby's arms go up and down near the crotch area.

"Carlos!" He yelled in mock admonishment. "Not at the table!"

I had to give a chuckle, even if it was only at the utter insanity of the situation.

"Jokes aside," Archer stated seriously, gesturing with his fork. "We need to take stock of the situation."

"The situation?" My fragile mindset cracking at the mere statement. I tried to get up and gesture wildly, but Archer pulled me down quickly. "The situation is that my TONGUE has been cut in HALF! My best friend is probably dead in a DITCH! And a fucking baby with its mother nowhere to close is up our retarded ASSES!"

Archer leveled a look at me, his hand was pushing my down quite hard.

"You done now?" He asked carefully. "You feel better?"

I slumped down my seat, before I nodded lightly.

"Good…" He managed to say whilst sitting back down.

"Wow." Shinji said. "You're very self-absorbed aren't you?"

I almost throttled him, and I would've succeeded if not for my brother's misguided attempt to keep me out of prison. It would have been the betterment of humanity if this guy didn't reproduce! The lives that would be saved would be astronomical!

Archer pointed a finger at Shinji.

"You shut up now."

"Language in front of the children." Shinji admonished, covering the aforementioned child's name. and Archer just gave a sigh and pointed at me.

"No killing your ALIVE best friend's future brother in law." I took some comfort in his words, since I was sure that if Issei was dead I could most assuredly throttle Shinji.

Relative peace restored I managed to nod.

"Now let's see if we have anything in our pockets that can help us figure things out." Archer began rifling through his pockets and I followed suit.

"I have a few chips." Shinji mumbled incoherently, face stuffed with sausage. There were around twenty hundred in all, so I felt some of my fears lessen.

"I have…" Archer frowned at what he found. "A hospital band?"

"We were at a hospital?" I asked dumbly, we all knew we could remember a damn, about last night. "What for?"

"Three fractures and some stiches on…" Archer trailed off, his tanned face paling rapidly. "What do you have?"

I frowned and dug out what seemed to be a metal glove from my right pocket and a box cutter from my left pocket.

I shook my head.

"What flying fuck did we do last night?" I questioned to the air and, as always, it offered no answers.

…

The three us decided we should just check out the hospital first, and we went out to valet to get our car…

"Holy fuck." I managed to say. I was cursing more this morning than I did my entire life and, quite frankly, it felt entirely appropriate. "Holy fuck, holy fuck…"

"Keep your cool." Archer repeated through a forced smile, I had a feeling he was saying it for his own benefit rather than mine. "Keep your cool."

"Your car, officers." A pimpled young man said with a big smile, gesturing towards a car that was most certainly not a Mercedes Gullwing Classic.

Shinji was already moving to the backseat when we got our wits together. The valet opened the door for him and right into the baby's face.

We were out of the hotel before the pimply teen managed his third apology. Shinji was trying to find a way to seatbelt around the baby, Archer was trying to not drive over pedestrians and I was doing my very best to ignore the large amounts of ordinance right next to my hands.

The stress multiplied threefold when we got to traffic, and it took only one more twitch of my hand towards the fully loaded Mossberg pump action for Archer's cool to rupture.

He turned on the siren and just about turned the sidewalk into the new freeway.

…

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The Bachelor Party.

…

Disclaimer: Do not make money from this, or any sort of currency. Not even wooden pennies.

…

Chapter 2

…

"Don't worry." Archer repeated his mantra as we entered the elevator within the parking structure of the hospital. "Everything's going to be just fine."

"How do you know everything's going to be okay?!" I demanded shrilly, sending a seething glare towards my brother. "Because I have a pretty hard believing this could be fixed!"

"Look, Shirou." Archer sighed, crossing his arms over his black dress shirt. "If you're going to be always uptight about everything, you'll never snag a girl."

"My social life has nothing to do with this!"

"Doesn't it?" Archer stated with a smirk, waggling his eyebrows. He pointed to himself. "I woke up with a few bandages and stiches."

He pointed towards the idiot playing with the elevators buttons.

"Shinji," He stated with a smug smile. "Doesn't even have a scratch."

Archer leveled his finger towards me.

"What happened to you?"

I opened my mouth to answer but he just pointed to the halved tongue within.

"Exactly." He crossed pointed the finger up, like the smug asshole he was. "You wake up, dehydrated, and with your tongue cut in half." He gestured to himself and the purple haired monkey. "Shinji and I got off fine, compared to you."

"Yeah," The baby holder stated with a goofy smile, fixing the pair of sunglasses that I was sure was for women onto his nose. "Totally fine."

Archer paused for a moment, giving Shinji an odd look while I leveled him my best facial expression that stated I doubted his sanity.

"Well, I'm pretty fine." Archer corrected ignoring the look the idiot leveled at him. "But that's against the point-"

"I'm pretty sure that makes your entire argument rather pointless, Archer." I pointed out simply, and he just put a hand on his hip.

"Look," He held up his hand in defeat, or at least what defeat was to a person who didn't understand the concept. Archer was still convinced that he won that sculpture competition during third grade, even though his was total shit and the winner's was obviously made by the kids parents. "All I'm saying is, stress isn't good for your life, Shirou. Relax and go with the flow."

"Going with the flow got me here." I hissed as I walked out of the elevator and entering the hospital. "Stress would've kept me at work, you know, where people with jobs go!? Which place do you think I would happy to be in?"

"I knew you would see it my way." Archer stated with a bright, stupid smile that pointed out that there would be no winning this argument for me. "Now we can be productive and find someone who can get some of our questions answered, right Shirou?"

"Fine." I decided to just let the subject rest, it would never settle anywhere anyways.

…

"Turn around." I tried to not stare at the doctor conducting a check up on a man who has clearly seen better days. He had more liver spots than skin, truth be told. She reached between his thighs. "Now cough." The old man gave something between a wheeze and the aforementioned cough. "Again."

"And that's that. Alright, mister Melloi, I'll see you again next month." The red-ponytialed bombshell stated while taking off the medical gloves she had been using. The motions utilized in the action made her curvaceous form do things that should've been illegal in public.

She walked towards us, darting her hands into her pockets and pulling out a cigarette pack.

My libido was crushed, and I saw similar disappointment in Archer's eyes. Living with a man who smoked so much, our father, and spending time with his friends, the local Yakuza, gave us both the odd turnoff towards cigarettes. They tended to utterly destroy our libido's by reminding us of nights spent nearly covered in ash and surrounded by fat old men.

She gestured to the courtyard, and we followed. The smoker pulled out a nail coffin and took a pull before leveling a finger at us.

"Did you three know how much alcohol you had in your systems last night?" She stated and took another pull, tucking her arm underneath her chest.

"Well." My brother started, but was immediately cut off.

"0.456 percent blood alcohol level." She stated and my brother immediately raised his fist towards my general direction without even looking at me. I returned the fist bump, if only because I was amazed I was still able to walk with almost half a percentage of my blood being pure alcohol. "We couldn't even figure out how the four of you were still able to walk out of here on your own power."

"Four?" I immediately jumped onto the little piece of information. "Is Issei here? How is he?"

"All four of you walked out of here." She pointed out with a grimace at the burnt out cancer stick. "Talking about a wedding or something."

"We went to a wedding?" Shinji asked no one in particular, and I gave him my 'shut up now' glare that did as intended.

"The four of you were totally trashed to shit." The woman offered little in ways of compassion, stating the fact that we were totally shit faced like it was nothing. "Most people would be in a coma with that much alcohol in their blood stream. Getting that shitfaced and only losing memory is a pretty good deal."

"Well we lost one of our guys, so we've been retracing our steps." My brother admitted scratching the back of his head with his left arm, I preferred using my right truth be told. "We could use some information…"

"And I could use some more cigarettes." The woman stated tonelessly, stretching her hand out.

Archer gave me a look.

I gave him a look back, my hand reaching towards the pocket that possibly held the only way I wasn't going to be stuck in debt for the foreseeable future.

"Think about the children I will never have with Rin if we lose her sister's fiancé." Archer pleaded putting his hands together.

I handed the devil-woman the smallest chip I had, which was another fifty dollars of debt that weighed me down now.

"The four of you said you were going to Malevolent Matrimonies." She stated, tucking the chip into a pocket and throwing her cigarette onto the ground while checking her watch. "And my break only has twenty minutes left, so that means the three of you should scram before I call security."

"Wait!" Archer held up a notepad he got from… somewhere. "Do you know the directions to that place?"

"Sure." She stated, and Archer eagerly uncapped his pen. "It's on the corner of Go fuck yourself avenue," Archer stopped writing. "and read a fucking map street." She ignored his glare and gestured us out.

"C'mon guys." Archer tuned on his heel, "Let's go find a map or something."

Shinji followed him right away, I didn't.

"H-hey." I tried to get accustomed to the feeling of stuttering with my new tongue. I managed to get her attention anyway. "Do you know anyone who can handle two tongues?" I stuck the appendage…s out, demonstrating my ire by moving them individually.

She blinked, twice.

"Is this a come on?" She stated idly, patting her pockets for something. "Because I'll need some time to get to the ATM if this is."

I blinked, thrice.

"No!" I must've nearly broken glass from my yell. "I meant do you know anybody who can fix this?"

"Why?" She stated, her eyes laser focusing towards my mouth. She started stepping towards me, one of her hands touched my knee before I realized she was close enough to touch. "It looks fine to me."

Knowing what the look in her eyes meant, I fled.

I managed to catch up with Shinji and my brother as they were getting in the elevator, and I felt like I couldn't get out of that place fast enough.

We had just reached the not-stolen police- car when Shinji pointed at that there was a name and a phone number on the backside of my pants, in permanent marker.

Archer didn't stop laughing until I tried to wring his neck.

And I'm sure 'Touko' was having her own damn laugh.

…

"I don't have a very good feeling about this guys." Shinji stated nervously towards the fake church. "Maybe I should wait in the car?"

"What." I stated. "Does this count as a government building on your restraining order?"

"That only applies in California!"

"Guys." Archer sighed, "The three of us are stuck for now, we might as well make the best of it." He leveled looks at both of us. "That means we have to be united, and not separated, we can't afford to lose another person to Vegas."

Shinji gave his okay with a huge grin, and I gave a grunt. Archer took that as a yes, unfortunately, and we made our way to the church doors side by side like a set of idiots.

We were only in the fake church for moment before I felt a shiver go up my spine.

"Welcome." An absolutely buff priest walked out of a door I didn't know was present, wearing only pants for some odd reason. "To this holy pla-"

His eyes widened the tiniest of fractions as he seemingly realized who we exactly were.

"Interesting." He muttered, looking us up and down. Shinji gave a soft whimper and I allowed him to hide behind me. "I had expected you three to be dead in ditches by now." He pulled the upper parts of a set of vestments from a rack and applied them, he would've looked the part of a priest if was actually wearing shoes. "Since I doubt the three of you remembered the slightest of the prior night I shall introduce myself once more, my name is…"

Something made impact with the small of his back sending him flying into a wall.

A white haired girl with bandaged hands gave a huff, brushing back bangs that escaped her habit.

"Don't worry about the geezer." She stuck out her hand. "The name's Caren, I own this place."

"Nice to meet you." We all responded automatically, shaking her hand in turn.

"Shouldn't you check on?" I pointed towards the man muttering under his breath and seemingly trying to become part of the wall.

"The author dislikes stoic characters too much to even give him more of a paragraph of mentioning."

"What."

"I mean, dad's plenty tough." She coughed into her hand leveling herself to full height, which wasn't much. "It'll take more than that to keep him down."

"But why did you need to-" Archer tried to ask, before Caren leveled the three of us a glare the implicitly stated that he shouldn't complete that question.

"So, I'm guessing the three of you are here to pick up your order?" She crossed her hands behind her back, generally acknowledged as a way to make a woman's chest stand out yet still look innocent.

"Is it drugs?" I asked immediacy, and Archer gave me an odd look.

"The four of you seemed fairly well supplied last night." Caren stated worriedly, "I never thought that you'd want me to acquire some for yo-"

"We don't need any of… that." Archer demurred quickly, shaking his head and hands. Caren seemed relieved, and I had to wonder how easy it was for a nun to get drugs.

Or if she even was a nun.

"Good." She gave a content sigh, moving behind a nearby desk and pulling out a box of sorts. "Here's your order of wedding scrapbooks, Father will get the rest in the back."

There was a gurgling sound and shuffling noise behind us that was ignored by everyone.

I took the offered book as Shinji asked: "Which one of us got married anyway."

"Probably Issei." Archer snorted, taking an offered book as my hands began to tremble. "Sakura will kill him if he…"

"Whoa." Shinji said burying his face into the book and ogling the two girls in the picture.

"The wedding was amazing." Caren stated wistfully, staring into space, I felt something on my leg but didn't care. "The best this holy church has ever beheld."

Archer's hand grasped my shoulder.

"I was wrong about everything bad I've said behind your back." My brother stated with fire in his eyes. "You ARE straight!"

He took a look at the pictures of me and the two unsmiling girls I was clutching by my sides.

One had a steel glove, and the other had a box cutter. Both looked like they'd gut me the moment I said 'annulment'.

"But crazy, absolutely batshit insane." Archer finished letting me go.

My mind went blank as my knees gave out for the bliss of unconsciousness.

…


	3. Chapter 3

The Bachelor Party.

…

Disclaimer: No currency is being exchanged for this.

…

I woke up in a police station, and I decided that I should've expected it would eventually happen.

Judging from the black eye and welt that my brother and Shinji sported, I was partially glad that I had not been awake.

It didn't take an idiot to figure out they just sold me out with them though, the bustards probably just wanted me along for the ride in prison.

Well fuck them! I'll throw Shinji to the wolves before I even let them near me!

Good plan, that purple haired idiot would make a perfect distraction while I look for a weapon.

"Oi, Bazett!" A man's whose hair was nearly indigo called out. His police outfit was decidedly tight on his body, and he twirled his baton lazily while his gun looked rusty. If I saw him on the street I would've thought he was a costumed prostitute. "Idiot number two's woken up!"

I heard knuckles crack behind leather gloves, and I turned to look behind me. She sported a police uniform as well, and her gun shined with that unused shine while the gloves looked relatively worn on the knuckles sections.

A punch grazed my cheek, and I could swear I saw wind trailing behind it.

"I can see that, Lancer." The woman stated drily, pulling her arm back and letting me sit back straight. "Looks like it's time for some Intel gathering."

I met my brother's swollen eyeball.

"Don't look at her in the eye." My brother rasped beside me, past his swollen lip. "She doesn't like that."

"Why didn't you warn me about that?" Shinji whined to my left, handcuffed to my arm like my brother. He was sporting a bandage for some reason, along with several more bruises.

"Because you're an idiot."

"Alright ladies." The man named Lancer motioned for us to get up with his baton. "Time to 'talk'."

…

"They tased us!" I hissed into Archer's ear as he pushed the can of soda I offered against his face, sighing contently. "Fuck them! I'm telling everyone we stole a police car!"

"You only got tased once." He pointed out dryly. "That chick liked you for some reason."

I gave him the a glare that amounted to 'wtf have you been smoking lately?', at that statement.

"You're talking about the chick that punched me repeatedly in the face and had me tased." I summarized the events of the last moments I wished to ever spend within a police station with a tone of sarcasm I had not been aware I was capable of.

Archer shrugged, "It seems to be happening to every girl you've met so far." He extrapolated. "You probably got some organ transferred to your body that attracts hot babes. We should get you checked out by a doctor."

"Well at least I have phone number for a doctor on my ASS, then!" I hissed, and he wiped away some of the spittle that hit his face. He winced a lot, as he went over plenty of bruises. I took a glance at the mysteriously quiet idiot and decided against having any of my brain cells commit suicide by talking to him.

"So!" I declared loudly, slapping my knees with my hands as I let myself sit down between my brother and the person that used to carry the baby. At least the baby was now in safe hands. "How much do you all bet that the Gullwing is utter shit? I'm sure that that thing is totally trashed to shit!"

Archer's hand hit the back of my head.

"Shinji's worried about the car you idiot." He hissed and I felt some of the debased utter kindness I usually kept out in the open creep back into my liquored up soul. It died moments after touching the high concentrations of alcohol.

"I don't give a fuck." I hissed back, but my hand went against my will and patted the idiots back behind my back. Shitty limb…

We heard an engine roar, and all three of us immediately got up as a dust cloud made its way through the piles of cars. The dust cloud stayed over the car, and cleared after a few moments to reveal…

A perfectly fine car.

"Well shit." I muttered under my breath, ignoring the cries of joy from Archer and Shinji. "At least mom won't be killing us anytime soon."

I didn't get swept up in the joy though, I was pretty sure that a perfectly fine car just meant that more shit would be thrown at as later.

…

"So let's review." Archer stated, letting the car virtually glide over the asphalt. The insides were totally covered in trash and fluids I didn't care to identify, but Archer had said he knew a guy that was good at cleaning this sort of things back home so everything would be fine. "Issei was still with us when we were at the hospital."

"At around ten thirty." I nodded and Shinji kept throwing trash out of the window from the backseat.

"And he was still with us at the chapel."

My eye twitched. "At around one o'clock."

"And the police said we stole their car at around two." Archer surmised.

"And we woke up at eleven, in the morning… leaving…" I did the math in my brain, it was surprisingly easy given how much of my brain I must have killed last night. "Nine hours for Issei to have gone missing."

Grats, you whittled down the time period by three fucking hours.

"Hey guys," Shinji stated from behind us, putting his hand forward with an object. "Is this snakeskin?"

Archer turned to look before I did.

"Oh shit!" The car swerved off the road and I had to brace myself agents the roof and floor. Shinji went flying, if the sound of his head clunking on the door was any indication.

I heard a wet slap.

"Oh my god it's on my face!" Archer screamed, and the car swerved dangerously on the desert floor. My stomach felt like it was trying to become one with my side. "The shit's getting into my mouth!"

The car stopped to a halt and Archer leapt out, he emptied his stomach while I got I good look at the object in question.

And I burst out laughing.

"How does it taste?" I yelled through my gut wrenching laughter.

"Fuck you man!" He yelled while kneeling in front of his vomit. He pointed at Shinji. "That's not cool! Don't ever fucking do that again!"

Shinji held up his hands in defeat, waving his head so fast I was hoping he'd decapitate himself.

"And for god sakes," Archer continued his rant. "For fucks sake someone stop banging already."

"I think the semen addled your brain." I snorted, "No one's banging-"

My brother's eyes and mine met and we both looked at the car's trunk.

"Issei!" We both yelled as we scrambled for the trunk of the car.

I opened it and suddenly a metal pipe hit me in the jaw sending me down.

"Oh shit-" Archer managed before a very nude man leapt at him like a monkey and gripped his head between his legs. "Oh my go-"

I didn't want to know what was blocking his mouth, I really didn't want to know.

I heard him yell out in pain, collapse and the car door opening as Shinji yelled incoherently.

"Oh my god!" He yelled, "Just put the pipe down man! I hate werewolves to! I think they're stupid, with all their hai-"

"You think you can fuck with me?" The small man hissed I heard the swishing of metal as it waved through the air.

"No I don't!" Shinji practically screeched as I managed to get up on my arms and get a view of the insanity that was my life. "No I don't think I can every fuck yo-"

There was a screech of whirling metal and Shinji collapsed as the metal contacted with his thick skull. The small man took off sprinting, fully nude, into the desert.

"Oh shit, oh fuck." Archer managed to get himself up. He helped me up to my feet. "You okay?"

"Why the fucking hell wouldn't I be?" I asked through gritted teeth, spitting out blood. He walked away towards the direction the guy that just kicked our asses. I made my way to the idiot.

"How's Shinji?" Archer asked and I gave the idiot a kick, that made him give a groan of pain.

"Fine." I stated as I made my way back to the trunk. "They only hit his brain, which is redundant at best."

Archer made his way to me, back from doing whatever the fucking hell he thought he was doing.

"Anything interesting?"

"Who the flying hell wears red and yellow striped ties with green sweaters?" I asked aloud, holding up the pieces of clothing in question.

Archer offered no answers.

…

"This is a stupider idea than the driving into the hospital in a stolen police car plan!" I hissed as my brother tipped a nonexistent hat towards a stewardess of the hospital.

"We've run out of clues." He stated evenly, "We need to find some more, our room is our best bet."

"Our best bet is going back to LA and explaining everything." I answered as loudly as I could within the hallway while staying out of earshot. It didn't live up to expectations. "That idea isn't stupid!"

"We can't leave sister's husband behind." Shinji sniffed behinds us, nursing the welt on the top of his head.

"No one asked for your opinion Shinji!"

Archer pocked me in the chest, staring into my eyes with his own.

"Lay off of him, Shirou." Archer demanded. "We all have ways of dealing with stress and you can't just shoot Shinji down like that."

He opened the door before I could argue, and Shinji pushed me in the trashed room.

I have a feeling~

"Did we leave the music on?" Archer asked and I just looked at the enormous bill that liked swatting itself against my face like some douchebag's dick at a whorehouse.

Then our little group made contact with a giant of man dressed in a smart pantsuit.

"Who the fuck are you?" The man bellowed, his wild mane of hair writhing like a forest. His biceps were larger that my head.

"What the fuck are you doing in our room?!" Archer screamed back.

"Quiet." A small voice came from where I remembered the piano was. "This is my favorite part."

"Prisma Ilya!?" Archer yelled out in shock towards the world class MMA fighter that retired years ago due to the fact she bit off her opponents ear.

"I can feel it coming~" She sang waving her hands as if she was orchestrating a choir. "I need a chorus line guys."

"Oh lord." Shinji bobbed his head and I involuntarily sang as the body guard nudged me with a massive elbow.

The diminutive woman bobbed her head up and down, and I tried to not confuse her for my adopted mother since she seemed so much like her.

"Coming in the air tonight~" She toned breathlessly. "One more time guys."

"Oh lord~" All three of us toned to the song.

Then, like lighting, her leg was tucked underneath Shinji's chin and she drove him into a wall with a feral yell.

She cracked her knuckles menacingly, the massive guard immediately putting his hands on her shoulders as we went over to check on Shinji's status to being alive.

He was out cold.

"Why the fucking hell did you idiots steal my Ruby?!" She screamed.

"Who the fuck is, Ruby!?" Archer yelled back. "Holy shit, holy shit."

I stood up and presented my chest.

"If you're here to kill us." I motioned to my torso. "Just do it now. C'mon I don't care anymore."

Archer was at my side within a second.

"What the fuck are you talking about." He whispered, and I shrugged off his hand.

"I don't care anymore." I stated in such perfect clarity Buddha would suck my dick if he knew how much clarity I was in. "Just kill me."

"Look," Archer stated holding his hands between me and my executioner. "No one's killing anyone, we just want to know why you two are here?"

"Miss Prisma wants to know why the hell her tiger's in your bathroom." The giant produced a jacket from his the insides of his jacket. "Your hotel key was in here, we found it in the tiger cage."

"That's Issei's jacket!" Archer screamed out, taking the jacket. "That's our missing friend!"

"I don't give a fuck." The white haired MMA fighter snorted crossing her arms.

"We have tapes of the four of you stealing Ruby." The man rumbled.

"That's great!" Archer yelled as I contemplated running out the window, since my executioner was being rational. "Can we check them out?"

"Sure." The giant chuckled. "How do you think we're getting the Tiger back?"

"Huh?" I managed along with my brother.

"We're sure as hell not ruining the Bentley." Ilya snorted making her way out of the room, had she not looked like a little girl, I would've called her gait in the short shorts sexy. "C'mon Herc, let's blow this joint."

"Forty minutes." The man intoned following the little lady out.

"That was Prisma Illya." I whispered to my brother.

He put a palm onto his face.

"I know, Shirou" He sighed.

"I'm just saying, you know." I made a little kicking gesture. "She's still got it."

…


	4. Chapter 4

The Bachelor Party.

…

Disclaimer: No monetary gain to be seen around these parts, just the odd tumbleweed.

…

"Alright guys," I clapped my hands together over the destroyed table. I gave them both the most meaningful smile I could. "Anybody have any ideas on how to we can get a fucking tiger out of our bathroom?"

"Beats me." Archer shrugged, looking over the vast expanse of Vegas that I was slowly starting to hate very, very much. "Maybe knock it out? We outnumber it…" He trailed the suggestion off, giving a slight shake of his head towards the idiot cradling a raw steak against his face

Ah, the ancient technique known as 'bait', I contemplated using the idiot for a few moments when he suddenly interrupted us.

"Guys," Shinji's voice intruded into my brain and I felt some of my brain cells fan the hammer of their suicide revolvers. "I need to tell you something."

"Can it wait?" I asked through gritted teeth, I hoped the fact that I was grinding my teeth together and making very audible sounds with them would get the point across that I didn't want to hear whatever inane comment he would have to say-

"I spiked our drinks last night!" he cried out and began blubbering like a small child, curling himself up into a ball and assuming the fetal position that wouldn't allow me access to his inner organs.

Silence dropped into the room, the kind that you wished didn't exist but did. It usually occurred when you said something along the lines of 'I didn't know she was your sister' or 'We have to talk…', but it fit the current situation fairly well.

So I answered the question as I would the other two.

"YOU BASTARD!" I screamed, leaping towards the child stuck in a grown man's body. I was intercepted my brother, he readily applied some sort of police hold I had seen on television a couple times. "Once I get out of here I'm going to rip out your- mmgh!"

"I just wanted us to have a good time!" Shinji blubbered near-incoherently, "I asked for some ecstasy, small time stuff you know? But the dealer gave me Roofies instead!"

"Well shit." I growled, "A drug dealer ripped you off, come closer so I can show you how I feel about THAT!" I chomped towards his general direction, making him whimper and crawl away. I didn't care! I had all the time in the world!

"He looked legit!" Shinji screamed frightfully, "They're a lot nicer when you don't act like they're criminals too, so don't judge them! They're honest and hardworking people just making ends meet!"

"I don't care!" I yelled at him, dragging my body with the muscles I had available. "I'm going to get you, Shinji!"

"What the hell, Shinji?" Archer hissed as he sat on the small of my back. "Why now? We're stressed to shit and you're going to drop a bomb like this on our heads?"

"Because I can knock the tiger out!" He yelled and I stopped struggling. "it's easy, we just spike this steak with the leftovers of the roofies and carry him down the stairs!"

"We'll kill that thing with too much drugs." Archer pointed out, his hold lessening on me.

"But I know how much it needs!" Shinji crowed like a triumphant nine year old. "I can help this time!"

I was sure the question as to how Shinji knew how much drugs were needed to knock out a tiger was in there somewhere, but neither my brother or I voiced it out loud.

Archer glared into my eyes and he got off me. I glared at the idiot across me.

"If you fuck up one more time…" I left the threat hanging in the air as he moved to get his drugs.

…

"Guys…" Shinji muttered the back seat. "W-why do I have to sit next to the tiger?"

"Because you fucked up." I stated instantly not even bothering to look behind him as we sped through the streets of Vegas. Finding a map to Prisma's house was fairly easy, as was transferring the Tiger through the hospital.

"Shirou." Archer scolded me with a fierce glare. "Be nice."

"Alright." I slapped my hands on my knees rigidly and with great determination. "The next time we're in Vegas and get drugged up, I'll sit next to the sleeping tiger we're delivering back to its owner."

We spent a couple minutes before I heard I growling noise.

I didn't want to look behind me.

"Shinji," I stated quietly. "Please tell me that we your stomach."

"It's licking me." Shinji breathed, his voice practically wind that blew past my ear. "I-I think I just shit myself." He admitted after a moment.

I took a breath.

"You did." Archer and I whispered at the same time.

"What should I do?" Shinji whispered.

"Stop looking edible." I suggested, Archer gave me a glare. "Try not to look at it in the eyes." I added after the glare.

"That's for dogs!" Shinji nearly shrieked. "Cats love being looked in the eye!"

"Well look at in the eye then!" Archer hissed back, his hands pawing over steering will as if he didn't know what the hell to do. Given the fact that I didn't, it was probably true that neither one of us had a clue to what's going on. "Keep it distracted."

"Act like a fish." I suggested once more, reclining into my chair as I just gave up on life once again and allowed the lunacy to flow over me. "Cats love fish."

And so for the we ventured.

Shinji squealed like a little girl and Archer's blood pressure kept rising as I kept making the most inane suggestions that I possibly could. The Tiger, Ruby if I correctly recalled her name, harassed Shinji the entire way and kept batting Archer with her tail.

After hours of stress and lunacy, I was finally able to relax in a car driving well over the speed limit and a hungry tiger in the back.

…

"Well that was bust" I stated simply, chewing thoughtfully on the burrito I acquired for sustenance, the words were rather garbled.

"We know that Issei was still alive and with us…"

"While you were having sex with a Tiger." I finished with a smirk, prodding him carefully with a finger. The digit suffered from a retaliatory slap, but I knew my attempts to make my brother suffer held fast as his teeth ripped into his own greasy package of meat.

"I wasn't having sex with it!" He growled.

"I don't know…" I mused thoughtfully. "Your pants were down and you were pretty close to that tiger…"

"Archer's a furry." Shinji stated inanely, tossing out another roll of paper that was filled with his own fecal matter. His burrito was right next to me, we gave him the ultimatum of not being able to eat until he cleaned the car. He accepted since it seemed rather well thought out.

I wondered when he would remember that he was about to eat a burrito after handling his own fecal matter, but I was ready to see the look on his face.

I was finding that causing these two some of their own misfortune, was readily aiding my sanity.

I wondered if I could get some tattoos across my body, maybe dye my hair black and streak around half naked once we get back to Los Angeles. It seemed like relatively good pastime in my current state of mind.

Seeing as I wasn't anywhere close to the mindset I wished to be, I reached over and tossed half of Shinji's paper towels away so he would have to use his hands for the last of the cleanup. The amount of relief was palpable and I wondered if I could convince Archer to leave his phone unattended and I would be able to tell Rin about his Tiger romance.

Then, quite suddenly, our car went careening and Shinji's face met his own fecal matter whilst his burrito tore open and covered him in its contents.

"What the fuck!?" Archer screamed, hitting the brakes immediately, and shifting gears. He forced the Gullwing forward and let the black SUV that hit us to smash into the sign of the Mexican Restaurant. "Everyone hold on!"

I continued to eat my burrito whilst Archer, only taking a moment to plug in my seatbelt and his, led them through a merry chase through the underbelly of Vegas. The obscenities that came from his mouth made an excellent contrast with Shinji's weeping in the back.

Then, just as suddenly as the first impact, our engine sputtered and died.

I looked over Archer's trembling form, his face hitting the horn and making it hold its sour tone for the foreseeable future.

"Out of gas?" I mused enthusiastically as men vacated the vehicles that followed us. I wiped my hands of some grease upon my brother's defeated form. "Well that sucks."

We were unceremoniously dragged out of the Mercedes Gullwing and placed on our knees. I hoped for an execution and the end of my miserable existence for the briefest of moments, before I realized that things were never going to be that easy for me.

"I'm entitled to tell you." Shinji intoned beside me. "That I am a carrier of no less than thirteen STDs and that if any one of you has any sort of open wound or sore, you shouldn't be near me."

The man holding him down with a gun next to his head blinked rapidly before backing off a bit. I hoped it was some sort of attempt to escape on Shinji's part, so he might actually die but my hopes were dashed against a seaside and crushed.

"Wow." The suited man stated another man quickly replacing him, presumably, this one had no open sores or wounds like the former and had gloves on."Thanks man."

"We're all in this together." Shinji intoned with a serious expression I didn't know he was able of having.

"Well it seems were at an impasse, bitches." A voice emanated from near one of the SUVs. "I want to kill you, but you have my money."

A figure that clad in a green sweater vest, similar pants, a white shirt, and a striped tie alternating between garish orange and deep red. The little man's hair even seemed to look as if the locks were green as well, and he seemed to be wearing sunglasses.

At night.

I would've laughed if not for the gun pointed at my head.

"Look." Archer pleaded. "We don't know what you're talking about. We're just looking for our friend Doug. We don't have you money."

The oddly dressed man gave a gesture and Shinji's satchel landed in front of him.

"This is your purse." He stepped angrily on the brown leather holder, ignoring shinji's cries of 'it's a satchel!' "You stole mine."

"We didn't steal anything form you!" Archer yelled, and he was pistol whipped by his attendee.

"Only Mr. Velvet talks." The suited man stated, pointing his gun at Archer again.

The small man gave a peal of laughter.

"It's funny because he's looks so strong!" The man named Velvet steeped his hands together.

"Don't let his looks fool you." I stated dryly. "Beneath that tough shell is a crazed sexual deviant that loves animals way too much."

My amazing statement on my brother's existence stupefied my captors so much that I didn't even get pistol whipped.

"Look." The man sighed, putting a hand up to his forehead, "The three of you have until tomorrow morning to meet me in the five miles into the desert with my eighty thousand dollars or you're not getting your friend back."

"You have Issei?" Archer managed to ask despite his glares towards me, I only offered a shrug in return. I was way past caring at the moment.

The midget of a man didn't deign us with an answer simply climbing into his SUV with his armed guards, and for the briefest of moments pulling out a masked, struggling face.

"Toodle loo motherfuckers!" The man exclaimed as he drove off into the night.

…


	5. Chapter 5

The Bachelor Party

…

Disclaimer: no currency transaction is being made for this.

…

Chapter: 5

…

"Well my credit card's been maxed out." I whistled lightly as I stacked the money on the table three ATM's worth of cash. A noteworthy sum when thinking about the fact that there was much more money in these Vegas ATMs than most small counties.

"The book says we have to play at least an order of magnitude away from our goal." Shinji pointed out, fixing up the suit we rented. He actually looked decent considering the fact he gelled back his hair and acquired a suit. Not that it took the edge off the child molester vibes he gave off.

"We'd be better off if you two actually had some credit your names." I pointed at their stacks of nearly insignificant amounts of money. Shinji had approximately one thousand dollars to his name while Archer had five hundred. "And by you two I mean you , Archer."

"Rin's been researching gems lately." He scratched the back of his with a shrug. "They've not been getting funded lately so…"

"So we're three thousand dollars off." I mused as I brushed my fingers against the stack of money on the marble countertop. I slammed my hands on my knees and reclined back on the chair. "Well Issei's dead, and we're all going to get castrated by Sakura when we get back."

"We can't just give up." Archer stated altruistically, practically showing off his well hidden optimistic side. He never was the same after that time he got fired from the police, and was forced to become a gym teacher. "We've got this much, can't we start before the club rush or something?"

"We're already one short." Shinji protested against Archer's request, surprising since the purple haired idiot sided with Archer on nearly everything. "We barely have a team, and with this much money we won't make eighty thousand until tomorrow evening."

Archer was about to protest when someone knocked on the door to our completely trashed suite.

"Hide the evidence!" I hissed, and they quickly stuffed the insides of their clothing with the money. "Coming!" I yelled towards the door, my mind formulating quick strategies on how to divert the housekeepers intentions of cleaning our suite and charging us ungodly amounts of money.

I had plenty of experience after all, if I wanted to clean the house I was always required to surpass the massive blockade known as Sella. The woman was convinced I was making her stay out of my room because I was hiding items of depraved nature.

Given the fact she always stayed clear of me since then, I didn't do anything to discourage it.

I put on my most winning smile, careful to mind the tongue within and opened the door-

A boot impacted my stomach and my legs were swept out from where they belonged in what must have been a millisecond.

I attempted to rise up until I realized that there was a sword pointed right at my face, and I heard the telltale swishing of a riding crop close by.

"Hello, husband." The auburn haired beauty stated as the boot that had recently vacated my stomach reappeared mere centimeters from my face. I wondered if she "How has your day been?"

The set of words that came from her mouth did not do justice to the way she practically dissected me before her eyes. Her hair was in a severe pony tail, her angular European features highlighted quite well by the hair style. She seemed to be clad in an outfit that was akin to one used by nobility to ride horses.

I had the strangest feeling that no animal would ever come near her though, and I wasn't all that comfortable with her twirling her riding crop so close to my face.

I also knew that I had no choice in the matter, and the fact that I didn't question what flying fuck she was doing seemed to amuse her for some reason.

"You didn't call." The raven haired woman in a kimono stated in a way that did not seem to mesh with the fact that she was holding a sword inches from my face. "I was worried, idiot."

The other woman I recognized from the wedding photos had straight, short hair framing her face. Her eyes bore into me and I felt the same feeling of dissection before her as I did with my other.. wife.

There was only one fucking way to get out of this alive.

"Who the hell are you people!?" I yelled at the top of my lungs and they were startled long enough that I was able to get up for a second before getting knocked down once more. This time I was face down against the hardwood floors of the suite.

"Language," The European woman stated with a small 'tsking' noise as she ground her boot into the small of my back. "No vulgarities for anyone who resides in the house of Barthomeloi."

The point of the sword drove itself into the ground, right next to my cheek.

"Don't lie to me." A clipped statement came from the wielder of the blade, once more in perfect monotone yet still able to convey the feelings of ominous rage behind it.

Alright, it seems the old adages about the wife knowing when the husband was lying was true. I hadn't expected that, so I wracked my mind up with something else.

"Look." I stated in the most even voice I was able to manage with a boot digging into the small of my back and a sword millimeters from my face. "I know that the two of you must be pisse-" The boot moved over to my kidney and my body squealed in protest. "I mean that the two of you must be completely enraged by the fact I married the two of you, so let's just but the weapons away and we can talk about fixing this situation."

I craned my hade to look at their visages as they exchanged glances. Barthomeloi and the yet-unnamed woman shared a look before they removed their respective weapon/limb from my poor abused body.

I knew it must have just been a giant misunderstanding, that we were all drunk of our rockers last night and these two girls just wanted to get on with their lives just as much as I did. I gave a relieved sigh and began to raise myself from the floor and enter a civil conversation when a boot AND a sandal drove me back to the floor.

"Completely wrong." They both intoned in prefect synchronization.

"You belong to us." The Asian goddess stated implacably.

"Couldn't have said it better myself, Ryougi-san." Barthomeloi seemingly congratulated the woman, and I wondered how they knew each other.

"Look upon the future of all kind and repressed men, Shinji" Archer stated from behind the sofa from where he and Shinji watched the one-sided conflict. "and be glad that we have the common sense to chase after women instead of waiting for one to pick us up."

"I don't want to be that man, Archer." Shinji whispered lightly, his voice trembling.

"No one does my friend, no one ever does." Archer whispered back, before ducking behind he couch as the two women stopped chit-chatting and turned their attention on them.

My mind completely baffled by the two woman's actions, my confidence gone because of my 'friends' insults and at no ends as to what to do, I just wept.

Not even the cries of pain induced by my apparent wife from my two companions proved effective, since I was only able to imagine myself in the same place later.

…

"They were pretty nice in the end." Shinji offered as we drove to the meeting place designated by that strange, short man that held Issei captive. I put away the extra money our ventures broth forth into the glove box, both my wives were apparently rich enough to own several islands, Lorelei Barthomeloi more so than Shiki Ryougi. The two were practically modern princesses, . They had given us the bare minimum of the amount we needed, and I had to spent three hours with the two of them close enough for me to feel their heartbeats.

"They were complete monsters." Archer insisted as he drove down the freeway. "They're more horrible than that chick who married Kuzuki a few years back, and she was NUTS!"

I made a comment about our proximity while we were at the Casino, Archer made a snide remark that I must've preferred flat chests because my wives were relatively on the slight side regarding their respective… areas.

He was now sporting a broken nose and winced whenever he lifted his legs.

They showed no mercy.

"Let's just forget about that for a moment." I placed the money into the bag, "And be glad that we are getting Issei back."

Everyone agreed to that particular fact and everything went well until we took off 'Issei's' mask.

"Who the hell are you fools?!" An angry black man yelled at us while we stared in shock at him.

"Oh my god!" Shinji cried out, as he pointed at the man. "You're the guy that sold me Roofies instead of LSD!"

"The hell man?" The man with a beanie cried out, apparently the source of all our problems. "First you pay eighty grand for my ass and then insult my business, what the hell is wrong with you!?"

"This isn't Issei!" Archer strode accusatorily towards the man clad in green until one of the body guards pointed a gun at him. "You lied to us!"

"Do I look like I care?" Waver Velvet drawled as he sauntered to the van. "No wait." He stopped and turned towards our little group. "Let me answer that question."

He placed one hand on his crotch.

"If you have any problems with this trade you can suck my hairy European NUTS!"

He made a few hip thrusts in our general direction.

"Eww man." The black man named Issei groaned. "That shits fucked up."

I agreed with him and the odd man clambered onto his car waving all the while.

I chose that moment to say what was going through my mind, Archer's and Shinji's.

"Well we're fucked."

…

"So I sold you guys Roofies instead of LSD?" American-Issei asked once more to Shinji. After some debate on his title, we decided to call him American instead of black. We were now sitting back and letting ourselves marinate in the doom that surrounded us, Archer was waiting for his call to Rin to connect.

Shinji gave a nod and American-Issei gave a groan.

"Man," He sighed. " I don't even know why they call them Roofies, they should be called Floories since they make you hit the floor you know. They don't make you hit the Roof…"

Then, it struck me.

"Say that again." I demanded from American Issei.

"Floories?"

"No after that."

"They make you hit the roof."

How could I have been so stupid?

_Flashback scene, since I forgot to put it in._

"_Is that a mattress on the statue?" I asked as Shinji played the baby._

"_Yeah." The pimply teen stated. "Some people get crazy and throw things off the roof, you know?"_

"_Well here's your car officers."_

_OshitOshitOshit._

_End Flashback._

I tackled my brother to the sands and appropriated his phone.

"Hi, Rin! Archer's still hangover but we'll be there ASAP, okayalrightseeyabye!"

"What the hell Shirou?!" Archer demanded, "What was that for!?"

I clasped his shoulders, ignoring the roar of approval that my sanity gave at his wince. I was more than sane enough to ignore it now.

"I know where Issei is." I stated and Archer's eyes widened. "But we need to drive really, really fast."

"Get in the fucking car now Shirou." He pushed me off of him. "SHINJI GET IN THE FUCKING CAR NOW!"

"What about me?" American Issei asked no one in particular, as we let him in.

5 hours till the wedding, I wondered if we could do this.

…


End file.
